Privacy

Bloody fucking hell, doesn't anyone get any privacy around here anymore? Oh wait, my only privacy goes as far as the things that I can lock, since birth. Bloody hell. What's in my bag, is none of your effing business. What medication I'm on, is not your bloody problem. Knnbccb fucking hellh. If you like to go through my stuff so much, let me go through your stuff too. Let's be fair since we are all adults now. I don't need your nose, poking into my business or my things. I can decide for myself what time I want to go to bed. And frankly speaking, at the age of 21 you're still calling my friends, I am deeply ashamed. And it annoys the fuck out of me.

I don't care seriously. I go out for 2 hours and you start making so much noise.. Just because I stay home doesn't mean I HAVE TO. I only choose to stay home because I am that lazy. I don't like being home now that grandma doesn't stay with us anymore. I hate being home. Because I don't get to see her on a daily fucking basis. Yeah go on and put the blame on me telling me that it's my fault and when she stayed here I was hardly home. Nothing is your fault. You totally did not argue with her, driving her away. You were totally the one who begged her to come home. Up till today, I am still trying to trick her, plea, beg her to come home to stay okay? That's how bad I want it. I thought of solving the toilet issues she has by exchanging room with you so we have a toilet in the room thus more convenient. And frankly, worrying if you ever read this at all is the least of my worries right now. Because I know you would eventually. You have no idea about the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Just because I choose to stay home doesn't mean I have to be home. Don't be too fucking much seriously. When I go out after a long while, what the fuck is wrong with staying out late? Once in a while will kill meh? And seriously, if you compared the me now and the me one year back, I'm sure I was way worse lah okay. Admit it. Even if I changed for the better stay home everyday go school come back, it still wouldn't satisfy you. Not even a little bit. I will never be good enough and there will always be something wrong with me. Please. I go out till wee hours, you make a hell out of a big deal out of it. When I don't, you are unhappy about the time I sleep. Seriously. Why not just reverse this entire pregnancy? Maybe you'd be a happier person. Since all I do is torture you, quoted.

Only grandma understands, when she asked if I still go home late I said no, she said very good stay home good.

You know what, it doesn't kill to acknowledge something that is done right/something good once is a fucking while, even though it's not the best. Oh and thanks for your compliment that didn't come about me getting EAGLES Award. By the way, EAGLES is sorta like an all rounder award? Studies plus cca/comm service. I'm pretty happy about it, and I'm sure grandma would be proud if I told her about it on Tuesday.

And lastly, next time you need to know anything about me, just google it or help yourself through my stuff like you always do. Don't have to waste my time or energy to question me. But don;t you worry, even if I was going down to the next block to get a drink, I'll be sure to bring my entire fucking room with me.

Innocence

I know I have been blogger fairly regularly lately, shocker there. But, I don't know. I just feel kinda inspired to. (Waaaaa inspired leh.) No picture posts though. Been feeling rather ugly lately.

It's preposterous how I see people using words that are beyond their dictionary. I mean, just saying~ And then there are people who make such beautiful and factual phrases sound so hmm, gross. I mean mostly cos you are very ah lian in your mannerism so the way it comes out, totally ruined. Actually I'm just targeting an individual here so don't be offended, friends. Do you even know how to pronounce half the words you use, correctly? Ney, I doubt so. Do you even know the actually meaning of the word? Yeah, maybe I can give you credit on this one. You probably checked the dictionary before posting it out online.

Felling kinda bitchy today, I haven had a bitchy post in a while, I think? But anyway, it's ridiculous how self absorbed some people can get. I mean, why can't I be the one who takes people for granted instead of being taken for granted? Why can't I be the one who says no and gets away with it instead of the one who has to worry about feeling bad or guilty if I say no which eventually becomes a yes anyway. Why can't I, for once for God's sake, be the bitch in any broken heart? Oh wait I have an answer. Because I'm Valerie~ that's what I do. Hate being a Pisces really, lose out in every aspect of life, crude word for me: Loser~

Back to self absorbed people. Yeah, spare a thought for.. Anyone really, anyone but yourself. Yeah I know it's the holidays but really, I don't owe you anything. I make time for you and you give me really absurd reasons to play me out. Really, you can do better than that. What's so difficult in saying something like "I don't feel like meeting today." I mean if it's me, yeah I'll prolly come up with a lame excuse so I won't break your heart. But you? I see no difficulties at all. I know I'm not exactly an angel but, I'm definitely not the kind who will leave you to die if I knew you were going to, unless of course I hate you..

Anyway, as usual I have been watching Lie To Me and a few chick flicks. But I must say season 3 is really, quite bad. I fall asleep halfway, I don't follow and I'm really quite uninterested. Anyway, have I mentioned? I am making a list of wants from my mom who is going to Taiwan without me. ): I am gonna make sure I still get my worth of Taiwan, starting with maybe a porter bag. But..... She prolly wouldn't be able to find porter, or maybe identify one even if it was right in front of her face. I think this slow/blur/clumsiness/retardation runs in the family, from my mom. Hahaha no joke. And I'm about done with ALL the movies in my laptop. And that's quite a lot you know? Okay, with the exception of 3 seasons of Chuck I intend to devour slowly. I'm such a couch potato really. Eh, I'm damn good at digressing and my flow of ideas is in a mess and it's all chopped up. That's cos I'm a mess.. My brain functions the way I am, physically.

Okay, gonna learn how to operate the washing machine so I will not have to die in the 10 days I'm alone. I really hate the way I speak and the way I look. I think I need a make over and I need to rearrange my wardrobe for the, 10th time since february. No exaggeration there really.

Me is couch potato #1, I have becomes a balls, round potatoes. I eats so much that I thinks I gains 2kg(already being practical) every days. I does this every days, slept until noons wake ups eats then lies in beds and fiddles with this apples and then watches movies and then baths BATHS NOT BATHE then eats then watches movies and eat and do nothings. You hurts me. (Sorry I can't help it) Can't stand myself anymore.

Been too lazy for my liking. Want to need to do something productive. Starting from Zhiyi's article! Hahaha I have nothing to do anyway, might as well help this poor girl.. So much work in Uni! Haiyo. Okok I wanna go.. EAT AGAINS?! Yes.. Kthxbai~

(Amazing how my mood changes in the length of the time I use to compose a post. And how much shit I write here. Why do you waste your time reading? I am fucked)

AND I JUST REMEMBERED MY TITLE IS INNOCENCE BECAUSE I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT how I just remembered when we were younger and we had to do eggshell painting for art lessons, how my grandma would waste a dozen eggs for me because I wanted the shells. And in order not to crack the egg into half, she would make a hole using chopsticks so that the shell still maintains. I love my grandma to bits, really. She really is the epitome of true love to me. No matter how fucked up I turned out to be, she still loved me the best. I love you Mama.

Hoax

Goodness, I have no idea why I had such a queer dream last night. I remember vaguely telling myself this morning half conscious to remember my dream. Been awake or about 4 hours and only now did I recall this entire subconsciousness. I don't even remember the dream entirely. #1, I'm going entirely psycho. #2, Lie To Me fucks the mind a little. #3, I'm too engrossed and I've been swept away by this entire dream interpreting shit. #4, I need to relax pronto.

I really need to and I totally want to go on a holiday. I wanna go to the beach and just chill the entire day away. I'm pretty upset that I'm not going to Taiwan, that's 10 whole days from this hell hole. But, I would much rather stay in school than to spend 10 days in Taiwan and maybe regret after. I really need a holiday.

I really love Cal Lightment. He is such a joy seriously. All the sarcasm and all bad jokes and his attitude just rocks. Hahahahaha. Love the way he is, the way he pushes people to tell him what he wants. He's sucha smarty pants. Here goes:

*Waitress serves his food* - 2 poached eggs in a tart that makes the eye and some sauce makes it the smile.

Cal: What do you call this? Stupid on a plate?

HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck. And his accent, makes him very very sexy. Hehehe.

Dreams, are reality.

Been having pretty queer dreams that seemed pretty real lately. So, I took the liberty of having them interpreted according to the emotions I have, in these dreams.. I only recently discovered this interpretation shit(slow as usual), so there are gonna be a few core emotions in this post. But believe me, having found such a wonderous little tool, I am sure to recall every dream I have hence forth. Here goes.

Abandonment

"One's own abandonment in a dream indicates the need to relinquish previous emotions and traits that are impeding personal advancement. Insubstantial beliefs and thoughts must be abdicated. This dream could be naturally analyzed as illustrating your phobia of being left behind, forsaken or double-crossed. Do thoughts that others disregard your ideas or beliefs frequently visit you? Recently experiencing or fearing the loss of a loved-one could trigger this abandonment dream. This phobia may subconsciously embody itself in your dream and thus serves as a vital component of dealing with and surpassing losing someone you cared about. Struggles from your youth or uncertain emotions could also be the cause of this dreams' appearance. If you are the one deserting others in your dream, this illustrates your being overpowered by your own conflicts and struggles. "

Anger

"To dream that you are angry signifies vexation and regret within yourself. You push the negativity down and this reveals itself in anger towards others. Evaluate yourself. Anger could have follow you into your dreams from something that happened during waking hours. Dreams are a safer harbor with which to deal with these intense emotions. You simply haven't accepted these strong emotions of anger consciously."

Laughing

"To dream of laughing may indicate a build up in stress or tension. Many people laughing in your dream is a message to give yourself a break and be a little more playful in your waking life. Someone laughing at you implies social anxiety and the need to be mentally kinder to yourself."

Sad

"A dream in which you are sad implies that in order to once again experience true bliss, you must discontinue all negative thoughts. Battling suffering and distress will allow you to achieve joy."

Scared

"To dream that you are scared denotes that you are experiencing low self-worth and uselessness. You no longer hold power over some aspect of your life. You may feel rage towards someone or something."

There is one more that I have been getting pretty much recently: cheating. Hahaha I don't know why, but yeah. Anyway, these interpretations, I only choose to read it for the fun of it. Well, whether it's true or not, only the individual knows. It is only in the individual where the choice of believing or forsaking is worthy. So yeah, these are just two cents worth. But they say, dreams are mostly stimulated by the last thought before you fall asleep, could be the subconscious last emotion before you drift into sleep? I don't know.

I haven been doing much. Been catching up on Lie To Me and Pirates of the Caribbean before I go to bed. Maybe these weird creatures are giving me weird dreams. Hahaha.

Omg I just found on that happens to me quite frequently, I swear.

Wake Up Crying

"To wake up crying indicates the mourning of your soul. It also connotes your need to modify the ways you deal with situations in your life."

Hmm... Something to ponder about. I know this is a real wordy post. So I shan't continue. Maybe tomorrow! BTW, I wanna go for a run tomorrow morning. Hellyeah.

Blessing in disguise or a disastrous start of a brand new journey?

Hmm, me is a happy girl whoop whoop. Well, I've been staying home the entire week but I'm not complaining. Pretty proud actually. I have Mitch Albom by my side with a few TV series for companionship. Kinda like my holidays - laid back style~ on my own.

Today, I went shoe shopping! Kudos to Mommy who was in a good mood, we went to Tang Studio! Comfy comfy shoes I must say! Pretty skeptical at first, would rather go for my Far East cheap shoes. But, you'll be surprised! Okay luh the shoes, either that or I've just been increasingly easy going these days when it comes to shopping. Could be that I don't really care that much. But... Hehe I got 3 pairs!!! Haha damage done to Mommy. Thanks Mommy, I love you deep deep xoxo. I gave her my oversized shorts though.

I think I've been losing too much weight without meaning to, did i mention? Now I'm kinda scared. Stepped on the weighing scale and got a shock! Lightest from when I can even remember. And, I've been eating. Think I got worms.

My memory's failing me. If you see me on the streets and I don't say hi and I'm supposed to know you, say hi to me. I am just slower these days. Numbered days. Wow, melodramatic bitch someone. Hehe I'm kidding, memory not that bad yet...

Think my nails need to take a breather from this crazy owner. I went from green > purple > red > pink in about a month or 1 1/2 months. After the pink starts chipping, I'm gonna go all natural. When the lady was doing my nails the last time only did I realise that my nails turned YELLOWISH. I was like whoa shit for like 30 seconds then I kinda forgot about it. Either that or I have just been smoking too much lately. Hahaha ): I need to cut back! Staying home, I weigh the pros and cons. I smoke more eat more but I guess I save more $$$ compared to going out being in the sun getting ugly skin!

Eh I think tonight I wanna go mask! Hahaha, I have never been the kind who's crazy over doing masks and stuff until lately. I don't know why the sudden craze and interest. But I guess it comes with the age. Gone with parts of the laziness gradually, slowly but surely in with these more of these vain little moments. Just scared that if I start taking special care of my skin, it will become worse. Since it's fine with the least of my attention, should I be doing these extras?

Tomorrow I wanna stay home! Funneh. But I'm serious.

To do list:

#TOP PRIORITY// VISIT GRANDMAMA!!

#1 Rearrange my rack of clothes (complete total mess now)

#2 Do mask (tonight lazy)

#3 Bum around, Valerie style

#4 Clean my room a little

#5 Throw away stuff I've been meaning to throw away

#6 Read book watch show same old

Quite boring hor my day. ): Haiya, but you know what's the best part of this day? When you just nua in bed and do NOTHING. Be completely paralyzed in thoughts and daydreams of how awesome it would be if everyday was like this, for the rest of your life. ValerieSibeiLamNua@yahoooooooooo~.croms It's nice to be lamnua once in a while lah okay. Those who have yet to get a chance to do so, YOU ARE NOT LIVING YO. Or you're just in denial cos it prolly has happened to you but you're too proud to admit you have been dirty and lazy and didn't care about make up for just one day of your busy life.

I'm still not used to sleeping alone. ); I really miss my grandma a lot. But it seems she's pretty serious about it this time.. ): But I love the random phone calls I get from mama. She makes my day, all the time. And every time I leave her house when I visit, if I'm heading out after, she will always tell me: "Have a nice day! *her joyous cute smile*" I really miss her very much and her leaving, made me realised she really did pamper like hell. Especially when it's just me and her around. She locks the door for me everyday when I go out. She climbs out of bed just to do that. She waits for me to step into the lift before closing the door every time. In between, we will exchange kisses and waves from my lift lobby to my door. You know, it is a kind of bliss. To have someone like this in your life. They set everything in place. This is why, when you lose them, you become some what dysfunctional. I don't wanna be dysfunctional. I want Mama to live forever, even though I know forever doesn't exist..

Typed so much, but about 9/10 of it is really just crap that doesn't really matter. Hahaha. Kthxbai.