Same script, different cast.

"I'm the leading lady of his life"

Quick update. I finally caught Narnia! And I didn't know it was the 3rd one already? Wtf was the 2nd one? Why did I not know about it? ): Talk about being slow, I come in #1 for being the slowest thinking, slowest moving and slowest reacting creature God has ever created. Did some window shopping. Can't wait to be finally shopping for CNY!! Gonna look so pretty. Hehe. I wanna go on a complete makeover. My entire wardrobe can change and my entire appearance would sweep someone off their feet. I wanna be stunning. But I wanna be alone. I need to be alone for a while. My recent loss, has been too much. I know I was deserving of this mess I'm in now. And I will not come out of it the same, I will be different, in many ways. More than anyone can even imagine. Even myself.

Hmm, life's been good. Enjoying the Christmas season hehe. I'm looking forward to Christmas despite all the shit that has happened. I'm actually looking forward to a break. I really wanna get out of the country? I don't wanna stay here any longer. Not anymore. This doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Everything's way too surreal for me.

I need to go some place so I can take a break from everyone, everything. I wanna be uncontactable. I wanna be out of reach. I wanna be inaccessible. I wanna become invisible. I wanna just let lose and do whatever the hell I want. Run around the country barefooted, cry in the middle of a crowd without the fear that anyone would recognize me. I wanna go to a city full of strangers who would give me a comforting smile even though they have no idea who I am. I wanna sit down on a park bench and just watch time slowly pass, observe how people are like. I wanna be in jeans, boots, a scarf, a beanie, and a nice coat with a cup of coffee in hand and just roam around the streets, all covered in snow, not thinking about anything in particular. I've done enough thinking the last few weeks to make me feel like I'm already in my 40s.

Right now, all I want to do is to do well in school. Get my grades up to where they should have been last semester. I need to work harder than I ever have in my life. I need to get a grip. And I thought about it. Maybe I wanna go over to perth for my birthday. There really isn't much for me to do here in Singapore anyway.

School has been great. It's like I don't hate it all that much anymore. My daddy sent me to school this morning because I being the little miss late I am, left home at 850 when lecture starts at 9. Not like it's a very big deal cos my card's with people who are actually punctual. And on the way to school, he never shut his mouth for more than a min. The normal nagging about my future blahblah. And yeah, he pulled the "send you overseas" one on me again. You see, he always wanted me to be a lawyer because they earn the most. And he mentioned he would send me anywhere, at any cost, if I were interested. When I was younger, I always joked that with the glib tongue I had, it was a waste if I wasn't a lawyer. Who knew, he actually thought that was my ambition. He said if I did well in Poly, we can talk about going overseas to study. And right now, I'm like, why not? That's exactly what I need. I pushed away these thoughts recently, I thought I wanted to stay here. I gave up my overseas volunteer project. I gave up my overseas exchange program. I gave up the thought of leaving Singapore. But now, I'm opening that option to myself again. I have no more commitments. And if you're reading this, you know who you are, I told you from the start I had no plans to go overseas. That was not the entire truth. I was too young to go over after Os when I screwed up. The plan was after Poly, but for you, I wanted to stay. So I said altogether that I had no plans. But now there's no need for it. If I have the chance to go, I probably would.

I change my mind about finding someone to whom I wanna settle with when I hit 21. Right now, I think I just wanna be alone. For a while, a few years. After all I've been through, after all I've given.